Autistic Burnout
Since being diagnosed with autism, I have discovered this lovely concept called "Autistic Burnout". I already knew I was burned out, but apparently, normal burnout is different than autistic burnout. Lucky me.
I am not going to pretend to be an expert on autistic burnout since I am still learning about it myself, but basically, here is how it differs:
Normal Burnout: Primarily driven by chronic occupational or lifestyle stress.
Autistic Burnout: A systemic crash caused by the cumulative toll of masking and navigating a neurotypical world.
I always say I don't do things half-assed, so obviously, if I am going to burn out, I am going to make it a whole systemic crash.
So now the question is: How the fuck do I recover from this?
I recently picked up a book from Dr. Megan Anna Neff to help me navigate recovery. It is called The Autistic Burnout Workbook. I've only made it a few pages in, but apparently, just some time off work won't fix it, and it could take months... or even years... to recover from.
In a time where I don't have the opportunity to even take a short time off work because I am running two businesses that are also very overstimulating, and I am having to mask and perform constantly... I have no fucking clue how I am ever going to recover.
I have taken a few steps back to try to take some of the pressure and exhaustion off my plate, but it isn't quite enough and I honestly just feel more anxious pulling back. That being said, I have reached a point where pushing through feels so agonizing, any sort of push is starting to feel impossible.
I so badly want to get back to where I was, even if where I was is what led me to burnout in the first place. Deep down, I know that I can't ever go back to where I was unless I just want to end up in this cycle over and over again, but I don't know how to change it, and as someone who is not fond of change, it feels like I am flailing around trying to find my footing and it just isn't there.
There is also part of me that wants to believe I can fight it and that these "rules" don't apply to me. Every time I read something about resting, or honoring my autistic needs I cringe and just think about all the Goggins videos I have watched where I pushed through by telling myself to "stay hard".
Despite my therapist telling me that those "stay hard" videos are not meant for people like me, who are already high achieving, because I just end up in a cycle of beating my own ass if I don't accomplish what I intended... I still want to fight it. I still want to hustle, push through, be uncommon, etc. but my body is literally fighting against my ability to do that and every time I try to push through, I end up feeling more exhausted and defeated.
So, although self-care and autistic burnout recovery make me cringe, maybe this is the time I need to actually give it a try.
Cheers to trying something new in hopes of getting my life back.