Back To Ketamine Therapy
My depression has really started to drag me down again lately. I get in these negative cycles of feeling hopeless and like everything is meaningless and pointless, and so far, the only thing that has helped me break out of these negative cycles is ketamine therapy.
I can't say it is ideal because I actually hate how it makes me feel on the day of. When it is first administered, it is okay; I just feel super fucking high and numb (physically, not emotionally), which can be nice since it gives me a break from chronic pain, but afterward, I just feel a bit nauseous, emotional, and bloated. (I think this is from swallowing some of the medicine when it runs down the back of my throat since it is the nasal spray kind.)
But that being said, feeling hopeless and dealing with suicidal ideation is also not ideal. I so much just want my fucking life back. I am not sure this will even give me a glimpse of my life back considering I know that some of my struggles are also physical, but I am hoping that it will at least help me break out of the negative cycle.
One other benefit of ketamine therapy is that it forces me to ACTUALLY rest. Any other day I try to rest, it is ruined by anxiety and my brain telling me I am being lazy and thinking of all the things I should be doing instead. Therefore, rest days are not actually restful; I just end up spiraling with anxiety and feeling worse… but when I have ketamine, I am kinda high most of the day, and I'm not feeling great, so it forces me to actually rest and not work because I can't. I feel like it actually is the one way that I can give my nervous system a break, and I think that is what I am REALLY needing right now so I am hopeful that starting it up again is the right decision.
I have also found that ketamine helps me get some emotions out, or helps me sort things that I have been struggling with, even if I didn't know I was struggling with it. It helps free up some brain space so I have more energy to be creative and has helped with executive function. This could just be because it forces me to rest, but regardless, it is helpful in some way, shape, or form.
Here is to hoping it is a step forward to getting my life back.
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here. I read and reply to every one.