Being Diagnosed with Autism at 39 Is Weird.
Being diagnosed with Autism at 39 is a lot to process. I mean, I have always felt like something was off or different about how I operated, but I didn't know why. I also didn't know just HOW different I operated until now.
Most people who are diagnosed with autism late in life have something in common: we have learned to mask incredibly well. I masked so well, I didn't even realize I was doing it. I just thought I was pushing through anxiety that never went away, no matter how much exposure therapy I did.
I don't know whether to be proud of my ability to mask or sad that I developed that ability due to not being able to have needs. I grew up in the "children are to be seen, not heard era". As a child (especially one who grew up extremely religious), meltdowns were not acceptable, not being social was also not acceptable (church every Sunday for multiple services and other church functions during the week on top of having to go to a Christian school). I was always overstimulated and overwhelmed, but I learned to hold it in as best I could.
Fast forward to today, and I am in full-blown burnout mode. (Aka autistic burnout, which I didn't know was a thing until a few weeks ago.) After getting my diagnosis, I have been researching more about autism, reading about other people's experiences, and finding a whole mess of things that explain so much about how I am feeling or things I have experienced now or in the past that I just had no words for or tried to hide.
So many puzzle pieces of my life are coming together, and on one hand, it feels good to know that there is a reason behind things, but on the other hand, it doesn't change much because I still have to find a way to function in society. It is not like I can just completely unmask and be like "sorry guys, I'm autistic". Granted, there are some folks out there who seem to do that, but I feel like a lot of people, whether they are autistic or not, have ways of "masking" or trying to fit in. I don't think it is something that is unique to autism.
I'm going to be real here. Although this diagnosis may give me permission to unmask at times or allow myself some grace when I get overwhelmed, I am having a hard time feeling like some of the accommodations, especially in relationships, are acceptable, fair, or okay. Maybe this is just my childhood programming coming through. Maybe I have a lot of deprogramming to do, but I worry sometimes that this diagnosis just turns into an excuse to be an asshole.
Yes, I may have some unique needs, yes, I may be easily overwhelmed or overstimulated...Yes, I may have some meltdowns, but this is not something I want to make my partner responsible for or accommodate all the time.
So what is the middle ground? What is the acceptable amount of unique accommodations before it just turns into assholery?
I guess this is part of the journey of figuring it all out.
Cheers to figuring out how to get my needs met without having regular meltdowns or being a complete asshole.