Bodybuilding is Stupid
The last time I competed in bodybuilding was in 2023, and I honestly feel like I never recovered. I was pushing myself to the max with coaching, and then with prep I was pushing myself to the max physically. During prep, I experienced a UTI that made me pretty ill (nausea, fever, etc.), a swollen knee that had to be drained, and a really bad back flare-up that I somehow managed to push through.
That being said, I guess it paid off because I ended up winning my class and the overall, which qualified me for nationals, but it came at the expense of my mental and physical health, and I never made it to nationals despite continuing to train and try to put on more size so that I could actually be competitive on a national stage.
I was determined as hell, but determination doesn't matter if your body breaks down on you. This was also when I got scammed by a business coach, and everything started coming crashing down on me all at once. I still had drive, but I had no energy, and the depression hit me harder than ever. I managed to somehow push myself through the fatigue and the depression. Then, I discovered that I was actually deficient in B12 and iron, which explained some of the fatigue and depression, but despite supplementing with oral iron, it wasn't working, and I had really bad insomnia. I was low in iron for three years until my doctor finally ordered iron infusions for me. A couple of weeks after the infusions, I finally started sleeping again. But three years of restless legs and sleepless nights was a lot, and I imagine I am still recovering from that.
Almost exactly a year ago from today, I started getting random fevers, so my girlfriend had me go to urgent care. They did a bunch of bloodwork, including blood cultures. They called me the next day to say everything came out okay, so I thought I was in the clear, until 3 days later I received a call at 3am saying one of my cultures grew bacteria and I needed to go to the ER immediately.
Long story short, I was diagnosed with osteomyelitis in my spine. I spent a week in the hospital, and they sent me home with a PICC line for six weeks for IV antibiotics. My fevers improved and have not been as high, but I still get low-grade fevers periodically that no one seems to be able to figure out, and honestly, I haven't been the same mentally or physically since being hospitalized. I have lost about 20lbs of muscle this year, and it is hard for me to even look at past photos of myself.
My changing physique only fueled the depression further, and now, here I am trying to figure out what the fuck I am doing with my life.
I have basically taken an unplanned break from bodybuilding. I went from going to the gym 5-6 days a week to 2-3 days per week (some weeks I was lucky to get in there 1-2 days, though), and now that I am a bit removed from it, I can't help but have moments where I scroll past bodybuilders on Instagram and think: Bodybuilding is stupid; all it is, is a fucking human dog show. It has no purpose. It serves no one but the bodybuilder, and you could end up missing out on a lot of fun things in life because of its rigidity.
But yet, I also miss it. I'm autistic, and bodybuilding kind of fits into my already rigid life. I miss the community, the identity, and the structure it gives. Bodybuilding consumes your whole life. What you eat, your schedule around training, who you hang around with, what content you consume, content you create...EVERYTHING. And when it is no longer there to dictate all of these things, you can feel incredibly lost. My rigidity had a purpose, and now it's just... rigid.
Bodybuilding was more about the discipline and determination to me than just about creating a better physique, so for the first time in years, I am having to explore new ways of being disciplined. What are other ways I can use my rigidity and discipline to my advantage that don't include bodybuilding?
Well, writing could be one of those things.
My whole life, discipline has been about achieving something physical, and although I still plan to practice it to keep my health in check, I am beginning to get curious about what I can do if I apply that same discipline to another area of my life.
I don't know if I am entirely done with bodybuilding, but for now I am trying to give myself permission to be curious and explore other avenues in life.