Chasing The Feeling of Relief
In 2023, I fell into a dark hole of depression and have been struggling to find my way out of it ever since. Although I was pushed into this hole by losing 24k to a scammy business coach, I have been standing on the edge of it and dipping my toes in and out for as long as I can remember.
I have had ups and downs, but I always managed to pull myself out. This time around, it has been very different. In the past, I had this ability to keep pushing through no matter what. Even if I was deeply depressed, I still managed to get myself to the gym and appear to be functioning somewhat normally...but now, I feel like I have run out of push. I can't even seem to get myself to the gym more than 2x a week, and as someone who used to compete in bodybuilding, this feels especially devastating.
I know that a big part of not being able to pull myself out of the hole this time is due to burnout. Not just regular burnout, but autistic burnout on top of it, but I still don't want to accept that I can't just will my way out of this somehow. To be honest, the advice I read about autistic burnout makes me cringe and it just feels like being coddled. There is nothing I hate more than being coddled. And let's be real, my life does not allow me to make the type of changes that are suggested. I run two businesses, I can't just take time off or even clock out. My mind is constantly on thinking about what needs to be done or what I should do, even if I can't seem to muster up the energy to actually do the things.
I have been trying to will my way out of this hole for three years now. Although there have been moments where it has felt like the depression hasn't felt as heavy, and moments where I felt like I was turning a corner, I ended up turning a corner right into another wall.
Something needs to give, but I am not quite sure what or how.
The worst part is that not only have I been masking autism, but I have also been masking how bad this bout of depression is so that my partner doesn't worry or grow tired of me.
Through the dark hole of the depression journey, I have also realized that due to autism/anxiety, I don't get to actually enjoy anything. Anytime there is something that seems like it would be enjoyable (like a trip to the beach) there is loads of anxiety leading up to it. The change in routine, the drive, the crowds... everything just cycles through my brain and takes a shit on the actual experience. The only thing I tend to enjoy is the feeling of relief when it is over.
It isn't until now that I am realizing that much of my time on this earth has not been seeking out enjoyment, but chasing the feeling of relief.
No wonder I am fucking depressed.
So how does one truly feel something good? How can I truly find something that I enjoy and look forward to? I think that might be the key to getting myself out of this hole.
So far, the only thing that I have been able to find truly enjoyable is writing. So I guess for now, I will keep this part of my life going.
Cheers to finding a way out of this hole.