From Overcoming Social Anxiety to Honoring Neurodivergent Needs.
For as long as I can remember, I have had the goal of "overcoming my social anxiety." I've been in therapy for it since 2008, have tried different medications for it (SSRI's, TMS, Spravato, and most recently, an IOP program). Unfortunately, none of these have worked, and IOP only left me feeling more overwhelmed and burned out.
With my coaching business on the fritz, I've been in a panic, thinking about how I might have to get a job outside my house again for the first time in nearly 9 years. The constant social interaction, the noise, the tension in my body, leaving me with headaches every damn day... I got to the point where I blurted out to my therapist that I truly think I would rather die than have to go back to that. That is when she sternly told me that my only options left are to try taking medication, or do an IOP program for exposure therapy.
I didn't love that these seemed to be my only two options. Medication has never worked well for me. I tend to only experience the negative side effects without any of the benefits, so I opted for an IOP program, which she had texted me the link to after our session ended. I clicked on the link and checked out the program. The plus side is that it was just down the street from me, so that was one less barrier to getting there.
I don't really have the energy to go into detail about what the program was like, but I made it 12 weeks out of 16. When I say I am a determined person, I mean it. I fought so hard to stay in that program and complete it. I thought it was my last hope. So, despite it making me feel worse, I kept trying to push through, just hoping that something would soon click and I would start to round a corner.
Boy, was I wrong.
Finally, in week 12, I had my usual weekly check-in with the "therapist," which was our only fifteen-minute-per-week check-in with a therapist while in the program. And the check-in wasn't even for the client; it was so the therapist could ask questions to gather the proper information to submit to insurance. The amount of fucks they actually gave about their patients was alarmingly zero.
I felt like every time I went in for a check-in, they made a point of misunderstanding me. I asked them if it was normal to feel more and more overwhelmed and if my anxiety was ever going to come down. The therapist told me it was normal to have ups and downs, but accused me of self-sabotaging, and told me I needed to try harder. I kept trying, but they became more and more nitpicky until they told me I could no longer wear my headphones when I needed them. (I wore them when I was working on exposures or during "worry time" because it was hard to focus when people all around me were talking or working on their exposures.)
Long story short, I quit and never returned. The overwhelm and overstimulation improved once I quit, but the feeling of hopelessness came on even stronger. What was I going to do now? I felt like that IOP program was my last option to ever overcome my social anxiety.
I continued to work on things myself. Try little exposures here and there, tried to get myself out of the house more, even if it meant working in a busy, loud environment like Starbucks once a day to try to keep myself from regressing... but just like every other time, I hit a wall that I couldn't get past.
As I continued to spiral into the depths of despair, I started to wonder again about the possibility of me being on the autism spectrum. Especially since my anxiety never really peaked and came down in a group setting, it just kept getting worse, and I became more and more overwhelmed.
I had a friend mention to me something about autistic burnout, so I started to research it a bit more. I came across a book, listened to a few podcasts, and then started to realize so much of it fit what I was experiencing. Of course, I had moments where I tried to write it off. Still, I just kept coming back to feeling like maybe this could be what was going on... so I decided to finally take the leap and get an autism evaluation so I could stop wondering and hopefully find some real direction forward.
I figured if I didn't have autism, I knew that I needed to keep working on things, and if I did, then I would still need to work on things. Still, it would give me a better understanding of myself and the "why" behind why I feel how I feel sometimes... or maybe it would even allow me to give myself more grace and feel more comfortable asking my partner for things I need.
After the initial Autism evaluation, I had to wait a week for the therapist to write up a report. There was a second appointment scheduled for her to go over the report with me and share my results. That felt like the longest week of my life. I was pretty sure I knew what the results were going to say, but I also worried I was just looking for excuses to not continue to try to push through my anxiety.
How fucking embarrassing is this going to be if I find out I am not autistic?
For the rest of the week, I continued to feel pretty fucking stupid for doing the evaluation. That is, until the appointment came and the therapist went over my results with me.
I wasn't someone with some potential traits of autism; I was someone who was very obviously autistic but masked really well. They also had my girlfriend fill out forms for me so they could get a different perspective from someone who knows me well, and hers aligned right up with my own.
In the conclusion of the report, it reads:
"The results of this evaluation confirm that Luke's experiences meet the diagnostic criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ICD-10: F84.0). His history of "masking" or camouflaging. These traits have likely contributed to the late timing of this diagnosis and his current state of severe burnout.
This diagnosis is intended to provide Luke with a framework for self-understanding and a roadmap for future support. By shifting from a model of "overcoming" social anxiety to one of "honoring" his neurodivergent needs, Luke can begin to implement the environmental and interpersonal adjustments necessary for long-term stability and well-being. It is recommended that Luke utilize the provided strengths-based strategies and neuro-affirming resources to navigate this transition and prioritize his recovery from chronic overstimulation."
The part that stuck out to me the most was: "shifting from a model of 'overcoming' social anxiety to one of 'honoring' his neurodivergent needs."
So I no longer have to try to overcome my social anxiety? What does honoring my neurodivergent needs even look like? What does this mean?
After so many years of trying to overcome social anxiety, I don't even know what else to focus on, and to be honest, I feel like a pussy if I don't continue trying to "overcome social anxiety". It is both relieving and disheartening at the same time to think about no longer trying to overcome social anxiety.
On the one hand, it is exhausting trying to overcome, and I haven't had any success; on the other hand, it makes me feel a bit hopeless. Like, I will never be able to interact with others the way I dreamed of. I will always feel a bit trapped in my body because I still want to interact with society, despite my brain and body not allowing it.
This is probably the start of a bit of a grieving process. I have never tried to honor my neurodivergent needs, so maybe this is how I need to step outside of my comfort zone at the moment and try something different. After all, the other ways surely were not working, and they only drove me further into a hole of extreme burnout. Hell, at this point, I don't know that I have another choice besides trying something new.
Cheers to trying something new and honoring my neurodivergence. Whatever that means.