I Don't Know What I'm Doing Here
I was an incredibly shy kid and the internet was the first place that allowed me to have a voice. Now, I find myself just as frozen on the internet as I did in real life. There is so much going on. The pace is so quick, and everyone is competing for attention and ways to monetize basically everything. I miss the days when we just came on here to find people with similar interests, or just to feel less alone about how we felt.
I used to be able to write so freely, without second-guessing myself. I may not have been a "top blogger" back in my day, but it did give me a sense of community and a place to vent my frustrations.
Every time I try to write on other platforms: Medium, Substack, etc. I overthink it and freeze. And Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok are now just fast-paced video platforms that are ruining people's attention spans. The internet is no longer a place to write the type of vulnerable things we used to back in the day. It is a place to monetize, compete, hustle, etc.
As someone who has spent the last 9 years of my life making a living online, I have reached a point of extreme burnout. There is a constant worry about the algorithm, having no financial security with an income that is up and down...I am someone who needs structure and predictability, and the internet is definitely not it. But, on the other hand, I also struggle to work "normal" jobs for someone else.
In a nutshell, I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Who am I? What do I want to do? What is it that I truly enjoy vs. what I am forcing myself to do because it is the most respectable option vs. the one that truly fits me?
I have always been a dreamer and my dreams have always helped me push past my severe anxiety to make things work. After years and years of pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I have run out of push. I thought my anxiety would get better with time... like it was my own kind of exposure therapy, but unfortunately, all it has done is exhaust me and run me straight into the ground.
So here I am, attempting to get vulnerable again and not overthink things to the point where I freeze. I want this to be a place I give myself permission to be completely myself, just like the old days.
Cheers to the start of another millennial mid life crisis.