I Guess I Should Introduce Myself
I always struggle with if, and how, I should introduce myself. Not just on the internet, but in real life too. Which, as of today, I am finding out even more about why that is. (More on that later).
I never really know how much information to give, but I do know that I am limited on energy, so I guess I will just start with giving you what I currently have energy for. I am not one for small talk, so I am just going to dive into the juicy details that would probably be inappropriate for any real-life conversation.
In an attempt not to overthink this, I'm just going to rip the band-aid off and dive right in.
I am a 39-year-old transgender man. (I was born female and transitioned to male.) I grew up very religious and attended a Christian school from pre-K through high school. My first introduction to the secular education world was when I started classes at our local community college. Boy, was I in for a treat when my first secular class was geology. I was flabbergasted to find out that the earth was not in fact only 6,000 years old, and that rocks formed over time, not because God ever so gently placed them there from the beginning.
Of course, these are scripts I learned to be cautious of in Christian school. The only time I was taught about evolution was in Bible class. It wasn't to educate us on the topic; it was to warn us that Satan would try to deceive us. I was warned that the secular world was void of God and to always stay vigilant of ways that I would be tempted to doubt my faith.
Which is why, despite growing up a tomboy and having crushes on women, I got married to a man at the ripe old age of 21. In a nutshell, I didn't think there was any other option. I didn't do anything half-assed, and I sure as hell didn't do Christianity half-assed either. I thought that if I wanted to please God and go to heaven, then doing anything other than getting married and having kids was absolutely not an option.
Fast forward to age 24: I realized that I was not living a truthful life and was deeply depressed and unhappy. I began asking myself:
What if God isn't real and I'm living this life for nothing? Why am I living in hell on earth in order to avoid "hell" later?
Long story short, I got divorced, followed my dreams and passion for cooking, and went to culinary school. It took me years to deconstruct all of the religious teachings I was indoctrinated with, but I finally started living a life that was aligned with who I truly am. I came out, I dated women, I gave myself permission to ignore all the bullshit I had been taught growing up. Although that was not always easy because shame has this way of trying to stick around for eternity. (When Christianity preaches about eternal life, what they really mean is eternal shame.)
Eventually, I realized that I wasn't just into women, I was transgender. Despite my religious upbringing, somehow my parents allowed me to cut my hair short when I was younger and play all the sports my heart desired. People perceived me as a boy for half my childhood, and I honestly thought I was a boy too. That was, until puberty hit and shit started to hit the fan.
Not only did my parents no longer think that being a tomboy was cute, but my body was also actively rebelling against me. I was always a quiet kid, but once puberty hit, I really started to withdraw. The junior high through high school years were some of the toughest years of my life and one of the biggest reasons it was tough is I didn't really completely understand why. This was all back in the day before we had any of the language surrounding gender dysphoria. My only knowledge of trans people was the ones I had seen on Jerry Springer. So, although I didn't know a whole lot about being trans, what I did know was that it was something that was "bad."
I didn't come out as trans until I was 26. I slowly began my transition. Top surgery, then hormone replacement therapy, hysterectomy, and last but not least, phalloplasty or as my mom liked to call it "an addadicktome".
Throughout my transition, I worked in kitchens until I couldn't handle the stressful pace of it any longer. I have always had a passion for fitness, so I transitioned to doing online coaching full-time, and that is what I have been doing for nearly 9 years now. Although an online business has allowed me to create my own schedule and work in the comfort of my own home, it also means I have had to rely on social media as a way of marketing and bringing in clients. I was a coach who had to become a content creator. Back in the day, social media was much slower-paced. Instagram was only photos, people who followed you still saw your content, and they still had the attention span to read a god damn caption.
Now, Instagram has become TikTok, and humanity has lost the ability to focus on a video for more than three seconds. I didn't sign up to be a content creator, but I had to become one if I wanted to survive...which has led me to where I am now: Burned the fuck out.
I have unsuccessfully been trying to navigate this burnout for the past three years, until this year I hit a rock wall and ended up in the hospital with a spine infection. Everything kind of came crumbling down after I spent a week in the hospital and six weeks with a PICC line. I tried to do my usual double down and grind harder routine...but this time it not only failed, but it also sent me further into the dark hole of burnout to the point where I could no longer force myself to do my everyday tasks required for my job. No matter how hard I tried, I just didn't have the energy.
Which leads me to say: This intro is getting longer than I intended and I am running out of energy so im going to get to the chase.
As of today, I have officially been diagnosed with Level 1 Autism. I have suspected it for a while, but today it became a reality. I am determined to stop living life just constantly pushing myself through things and shift to live in a way that doesn't destroy my nervous system. I am not quite sure what that looks like yet, but I do know that writing has always been therapeutic for me, and I am trying to reconnect to the slower days of the internet, where I just word vomited into the void to connect with other people who may feel similarly.
So here I am. Late diagnosed autistic, just trying to figure out how to live life in a way that doesn't make me miserable. So many parts of my life are starting to make sense; it's like a puzzle that is finally taking shape.
This is all bound to be a wild rollercoaster, and although I need days to recover from social interactions, I hope you might consider joining me along for this ride.
We can wear headphones, stim, and isolate as needed.
Cheers to finally making sense of this life.