Is It Physical Problem? Or a Willpower Problem?
I have been struggling hardcore lately with feeling like I will never get back to the old version of me. The version that showed up no matter what and pushed through, because... #noexcuses.
Since being hospitalized for a spine infection last year, I haven't been the same. My back is still fucked up, and whenever I try to push myself, I end up in more pain and feeling more fatigued for days afterward. Add body dysmorphia on top of that, and I am in my own personal hell that I can't seem to willpower my way out of.
I've lost about 20lbs of muscle mass since being hospitalized and I feel like everyday I tell myself this is the day where my comback starts...only to fall short again. Even on the days where I get myself to the gym, I am just pushing through pain and fatigue the whole time. I don't even feel better or accomplished after I finish a workout either, I just feel more exhausted. I have always had ups and downs with motivation just like everyone else, but I always managed to push through and I would feel better once I got moving in the gym, and would feel exponentially better once I got the workout done. Now, I just feel miserable and low energy the entire time. There is no relief.
I can't tell if what I am experiencing is something physical or mental or a mix of both. It all kind of started going downhill in 2023 after I competed in my last bodybuilding show and got fucked over by a business coach. I feel like I never recovered from the bodybuilding show physically, and I am still trying to recover from the scam business coach mentally and financially.
If I really look back, things started going down hill when I was hospitalzed with a small bowel obstruciton in 2023. Still not entirely sure how that happened, and luckily I have not experienced that again since (seriously the worst pain I have ever felt) but I have slowly started to develop nutritional deficiencies, (iron, b12, and zinc) and now most recently I have been having blood sugar issues where my blood sugar drops too low after eating a meal. I get nauseous, shaky, and dizzy and it can be a bit scary. I am currently undergoing testing to figure that out but I upon wearing a CGM for the past week, I am pretty sure I am experiencing reactive hypoglycemia, but why? Why all of a sudden are all of these things happening?
The worst part is: I am a personal trainer/online coach and my physique has been my business card for the past 9 years. Although I am transitioning away from doing coaching, I still rely on it for the majority of my income and it is going to take some time for my food business to make up for the income I make from coaching. The psychological impact of losing muscle and not feeling or looking like myself has been huge and is definitely a big source of my depression.
Bodybuilding gave me so much and I feel so lost without it. It gave me structure, identity, and purpose. It was my autistic special interest. I immersed myself completely for years. I loved the routine, the repetition, and as a trans guy...I'm not going to lie it helped me feel strong and masculine. Guys at the gym used to come up to me looking for advice and now I feel small and weak and can hardly get myself to go. I can't even get myself to wear tank tops anymore, and I don't even like my partner seeing me without a shirt on. Writing this now, I think I have underestimated the emotional toll this has all taken on me.
One of the most frustrating parts of this year has not only been the fevers, the fatigue, the lack of motivation, and etc., but it has been the medical system not taking anything seriously. It has been such a struggle to get doctors to listen and actually run tests. My PCP finally took me seriously this week after I sent her my bloodwork with my blood sugar at 63. (Normal is 70-100 while fasting, and mine was 63 non-fasted.)
I have been ordering my own bloodwork so I don't have to bother my doctor, and because doctors are so hesitant to order something as simple as bloodwork. If I hadn't ordered my own bloodwork to test my iron, B12, and zinc, I would have never known I was low in those nutrients. I've been doing as much research as I can on my own, and ordering things myself as much as I can so that I am not labeled a "problem patient," but depending on the doctor, if they find out you ordered your own tests, they put this label on you anyway. (I will have to talk about my last experience seeing a GI doctor, but that is a blog for another day.)
On top of the physical fatigue, the brain fog has been crazy heavy. I feel like I have to try 10x as hard to focus and I am 10x less productive than I used to be. So many days I find myself so frustrated I just want to break down, crawl into the fetal position and cry. I have never felt so hopeless and so out of control.
This might all sound incredibly dramatic, but I think I am reaching a point where I am allowing myself to actually feel the emotions I have been trying to avoid. I thought surely, motivation would have come back around by now and I would have found my groove, but I seem to only be slipping further into a hole of fatigue and despair.
I am not quite sure what to do from here, but I can't give up. I refuse. That just isn't who I am. So on that note, im going to get to the gym and try to focus on just getting movement in and letting that be enough.