Ketamine is a Trip
I had my first Ketamine (Spravato) session today after a month-long break. The break wasn't intentional; life was just so crazy that I didn't have time to waste being high for a day. I don't know how long Spravato is supposed to keep you feeling loopy, but I feel loopy for hours after. I make sure to get what I need done before the appointment because I know I will be useless afterward.
The upside is that it forces me to rest; otherwise, when I try to rest, I get extremely anxious about not being productive, and I feel exhausted by the endless anxiety. Before ketamine came into play, I just skipped rest days because the anxiety left me feeling more exhausted than if I had not taken a rest day. It is either drug-induced rest days or nothing for me, apparently.
I have had ups and downs with depression my whole adult life, but nothing as severe as things got in the past couple of years. I have tried some SSRI's for it in the past (well, for both depression and anxiety) and although it helped a bit at first, with time, it stopped working and just made me feel shittier.) The experience I had coming off of antidepressants (Effexor, to be specific) was so bad, I vowed to never try another SSRI again.
Fuck that shit.
Over the past couple of years, I have tried TMS and then Spravato. Everyone is different, but I found Spravato to be a lot more helpful and it worked way quicker for me. Did it cure it? No, I don't think there is a cure for the state of the world, and I am beginning to realize that my current depression is less about something I inherited genetically and more about it being a normal human response to the whole world going to shit.
Honestly, how can you not feel depressed right now? The world is on fucking fire. We have pedophiles running the country, AI is apparently going to kill us by the end of the decade, and there doesn't seem to be anything we can really do about it. I would say we can vote (Don't worry, I am still going to), but damn, it feels like not even voting does shit anymore because who the hell knows what is rigged or not. After the past two years, I find myself not surprised by anything anymore. And...this is where the hopelessness comes in.
I know Ketamine can be a bit controversial, especially when it comes to the risk of abuse, but for me, I am not worried about that because I actually hate how it makes me feel. Although it does make me feel physically numb, I've noticed it actually forces me to feel things in the moment. It can be pretty intense at times and can be a lot to process.
I've been struggling with identity and feeling lost since having all the health issues and injuries that have kept me away from bodybuilding, so this session my brain definitely focused on that.
When it comes to Ketamine sessions, music is a vital part of the session. I have certain playlists that I listen to during the session that are meant specifically for ketamine therapy. (Pro tip: Search ketamine therapy on Spotify and a bunch of playlists will pop up.) I make it a point to not listen to any music with words and today was no different, but a song came on with some strange instrumentals that my brain heard as "Who you are is not what you are" and it kept repeating throughout the whole song. I realized it was my brain trying to process the identity crisis I have been having.
I would like to say I had an AHA moment and now I know who I am and I am ready to conquer this dumpster fire of a world, but instead it just left me with something to ponder.
Who I am is not what I am.
I am not a bodybuilder; I am not a coach; I am not a chef...those are just costumes I have worn. WHO I am is entirely different, and I get to be on a journey to figure that out. I don't have to figure it out today, and I admit it is hard not to rush it because uncertainty is not my jam, but today I am giving myself permission to just be, to be curious, and to explore it.
Cheers to the journey ahead.
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here.