My Dog Died
My dog of 14 years passed away last Thursday. I have been avoiding writing about it because it is too painful. I still find myself not wanting to think about it. I dread opening my phone's camera roll, filled with photos of her. Especially photos of our last moments together. I am so glad I have them, but they are still so painful to look at.
My last moments of her keep replaying in my mind.
The last kiss I got from her before she got sleepy from the opioid medication.
Her breathing slowing.
Her last breath.
Lifting her lifeless body into the basket we used to transport her to be cremated.
The back of her little head in the basket, as we closed the car door and said our last goodbyes...she looked as if she was just sleeping peacefully, but she was gone.
I can’t help but wonder if I let her go to soon. I just didn’t want to see her suffer any longer than necessary just so that I could keep her longer for me. I didn’t want to see her starve, or have a stroke or a seizure, or for her to be in pain or just not feel good because her kidneys were failing.
I always told myself as long as she is still eating, then she is still at least enjoying life enough to stay. It got more difficult to get her to eat the past couple of weeks, but then, last Wednesday, she stopped eating completely. All I could get her to eat was baby food and doggy ice cream, but hardly even that. She also wasn't very active and was sleeping a lot.
Our vet, who helped us let her go peacefully at home (who also happens to be a family friend), informed us of what was to come when it came to kidney disease, and I took this as the sign that it was all going to be suffering from here on out, and I needed to let her go. Although our vet friend confirmed her body was starting to shut down, I worry so badly that I didn’t make the right call...even though I know it was only going to get worse from here. I think I just wish I could have one last kiss from her, and give her one last kiss on her little head.
It is also painful looking back at times. The first few years with her were rocky. I will admit I wasn’t the greatest dog parent. I am trying to forgive myself for those years. I felt like I was guarding my heart, and I didn’t REALLY start bonding with her until I moved out of my parents' house and was able to take her with me. Then it was just her and me for years, and we got so close. She made me feel safe, and I finally put my walls down and let myself feel my love for her.
I wish I could get back the years that I took for granted. When I moved out to a place that didn’t allow me to take her with me... it was only a year, but I wish I could have that year back with her. I know I did what I had to do to survive at that time (I started my transition in my very religious parents' house and my narcissistic mother, and I HAD to get out), but I still wish I could have done things differently.
Despite it all, she loved me SO much and she never stopped. I was always her person, even though I had moved out and my parents were her main caretaker...Whenever I visited, she got so excited to see me... as if I had never been gone. She still chose me as her person no matter what. It was the truest form of unconditional love I have ever experienced. She loved me so hard, even when I didn’t deserve it.
It is especially hard seeing my other dog having to be without her. I can tell he is lonely, and we are actively looking to find him a companion, but I am not going to lie, it feels a bit wrong...like we are just trying to replace her...but she is not replaceable.
I have been crying less the past couple of days, and although I feel the pain starting to fade a bit, it also makes me worry that I am moving on too quickly, or that I am starting to compartmentalize, put up walls, or starting to feel numb again.
I am so sad she is gone, but I am so thankful for what she brought to my life. Even the heartbreak. She helped me learn to feel again, and to open my heart.
It reminds me of the Lumineers' lyric: “It is better to feel pain than nothing at all; the opposite of love is indifference.”
A good reminder that if I keep trying to avoid pain/hurt, I will miss out on so many good things in life. Yes, this hurts like hell, but she brought so much good, joy, and comfort to my life that I would have missed out on otherwise.
14 years is a long time. I have grown and learned a lot since 14 years ago me brought her home. One of those lessons was being a better dog parent. I know she forgives me for the years I wasn’t at my best. She didn't keep score. Maybe the way to honor her is to stop scoring myself.
She allowed me to be human. She didn't expect me to be perfect. She loved me anyway, because I think she knew my heart, and I didn't have to explain anything. She just knew.
She knew my intentions.
She knew when I was having a tough time.
She knew when I was sick or not feeling well.
I will love you forever baby girl. Thank you so much for the joy you brought me and the lessons you taught me. I hope you are at peace and are free from pain and anxiety. I miss you so much; it hurts.
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here.