My Dog is Dying
I found out my dog has kidney disease about a month ago. She is 14, so it's not entirely out of the ordinary for an old dog, but we did some more labs this week because her appetite hasn't been as good, and her labs have gotten worse more quickly than we expected.
She was a heartbreak puppy. I got her after I got my heart broken by a girl for the first time. My friend at the time suggested I get a dog to help me since I was feeling so down. I have always been a dog lover, so I figured, hey, why not? I will look around, and if one pops up, then I will see about getting one.
It didn't take long before I came across a post about puppies needing a home, so we went and checked them out. For some reason, the person rehoming the puppies only brought one out to start. It was a male, he was very cute and social, and we almost picked him, but then the guy said, "I've got one more if you want to see her." I am not sure if he wasn't sure he wanted to give her away or what the deal was, but he brought her out. She was very timid, which definitely set some red flags off for me, but she was so insanely cute, and her coloring was just beautiful. She was a brown and tan color, and although she was very timid... I knew she was the one. I named her Carly after Brandi Carlisle because duh, I was in my best lesbian era.
I took her home, and ever since then, she has never left my side. She is the most loyal dog I have ever had. (Almost to a fault because she is very territorial of me.) She can be a little shit with other dogs and strangers, but she was always such a good dog. Never really chewed on things (well, except my cooking shoes once, but who can blame her; they were covered with food). She was great on a leash and great in the car too.
She is all I had for a very long time. It was just me and her living together for years. She was there for me through multiple heartbreaks, my transition, and during COVID when I was living in a loft out in the middle of nowhere, completely isolated. I took her for long walks. Every single day. Just me and her, contemplating life. Dreaming of the future and wondering what that would look like.
She has loved me harder than anyone ever has. Even when I feel like I didn't deserve it. Her love is the only non-transactional love I have ever felt. She is one of the reasons I stuck around when I didn't want to be here anymore. I knew I had to stay for her because she would feel lost without me, and I knew I couldn't leave her here by herself. I would never do that to her.
But now she is leaving me and I can't help but sit here selfishly and beg her not to go. I am just not ready for her to leave. I know she would stay if she could, but soon I am going to have to let her go because she doesn't deserve to suffer.
She has been such a good dog. I can't seem to stop crying today. It hurts so much to think about her not being here anymore. All I can do is cherish the time I have left with her. She will always be my dog. The best friend I have ever had.
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here.