No One is Going to Save Me, But I Still Wish They Would.
I don’t think I have ever felt so lost and so stuck in life as I do right now. Things that once brought me hope or joy no longer do, and I am so fucking tired all of the damn time. I feel like I need like three months off of work to just rest and create without an obligation to be productive, but I have no way to make that happen.
It drives you a special kind of crazy to know what you need, but not have any possible way to actually meet that need.
I have been reading a lot about autistic burnout lately, and honestly, I think it is actually making things worse. I can't implement much, if any, of the advice, and I just end up more frustrated and hopeless about ever recovering.
I run my own business(es), so I can't just take time off work. I have to pay the rent somehow, and let's be real, even if I could, I would probably feel so guilty about not working that I would just spiral myself out with guilt because I have been busting my ass trying to prove my worth to my parents, who are dead set on just seeing me as a waste of space.
I've been going back and forth for weeks, trying to figure out a way to implement the suggestions for recovering from autistic burnout and it is just pushing more and more into overwhelm and freeze mode.
Part of me felt a sense of relief when I first got my diagnosis because it made so much make sense, and I thought that maybe I would be able to give myself more grace when it came to resting... but apparently lack of grace wasn't the only thing keeping me from resting; it was actual logistics and financial pressure.
For now, all I can do is continue learning about little things I might be able to implement, but I need to accept that there isn't a whole lot I can change right now except taking away options that don't actually exist. I can't quit coaching yet; I can't just stop working out, and I can't take my foot off the gas to keep growing my granola business if I ever want to get to where I need to be financially. This is just what it is at the moment, and all I can do is my best.
As the saying goes: "No one is coming to save you" but I sure fucking wish someone would.
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