The Brother I Have, and the Brother I Never Had
My brother is moving to the UK soon, and despite him being a real asshole the majority of the time... I’m really going to miss him. I keep having these flashbacks to the summer before sophomore year of high school, when my parents and I took him to the airport to start his adventure as a singer in a Christian singing group (lol this could be a whole other blog). He was flying out with his girlfriend at the time, and her family was with us as well. I remember her family crying a lot. Almost hysterically...while my parents just rolled their eyes and said: “It isn’t like they are dying; he will be back.”
They were right that he didn’t die, but unfortunately, he didn’t come back. He ended up staying on the East Coast for the next 20 years, and it was a rare occasion I got to see him.
I remember also wanting to cry that day at the airport, but I swallowed the lump in my throat and held back the tears like it was a fart trying to escape during church. There is no way I was going to show vulnerability and get made fun of by my mom. No fucking way.
That same lump in my throat appeared last night when I hung out with him for what will probably be one of the last times in a very long time. My mom wasn’t present this time, but I still refused to let the tears out. Vulnerability isn’t a strong point in my family, and not only did I not want to be seen as dramatic, but I also didn’t want him to think I wasn’t happy for him. He already keeps me at arm’s length; I didn’t want to give him more reason to do so. I would say my relationship with my brother is a complicated one. I’m the younger sibling. The one who always wanted to tag along, even if he really didn’t want me to. I looked up to him. He was the cool, funny, well-liked sibling. At school, I wasn’t known by name; I was known as his little “brother”. It might sound strange, but I was completely fine with being in the shadows of my older brother because without him, I would be absolutely nothing, and that is exactly how I felt from sophomore year of high school until I graduated. Even to my parents.
I would always just be “Eric's little brother” (well, sister if we want to get technical).
My whole life, I feel like I have yearned for this relationship with him that never came to fruition. I always hoped he would come back to California, and finally, 3 years ago, he did...but instead of hanging out more and having the relationship I always imagined we might have, he continued to keep me at arm’s length, and I was always afraid of being too much. Just like I was when I was little.
That feeling of being too much is something that I carry with me into every relationship. I was never allowed to have needs as a child, and even getting sick was seen as an inconvenience, so basically every relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic one, I try to stay as small as possible and do everything in my power to not have needs.
Now that I know I am autistic, I am trying to be more okay with allowing myself to have needs, but I still worry that I will be too much. I still do everything in my power to not have needs in fear of being a burden, or for fear of always being held at arms’ length.
I pretend that I am unbothered by my brother not wanting to be close like I wish we could be. I spend so much energy within friendships and relationships pretending that I don’t need anything. That I don’t need anyone’s time, affection, attention, help, or care. I pretend I am fine with whatever someone has left over to give me...when deep down I feel so deeply, and love people so hard that it hurts to think about how that love might not ever be returned at the same depth.
There are times I am glad I am able to feel so deeply, and there are times where it hurts so much I just want it all to stop.
I do finally have someone in my life (my girlfriend) who never makes me feel like I am too much, and who cares for me deeply, but the scars from living with a family that never seemed to care or saw me as too much run deep and the anxiety about even her thinking I am too much constantly haunts me.
Obviously, I need more therapy.
Logically, I know that it is okay to have needs, but there is always this underlying feeling of guilt or shame. Is it possible to ever escape the guilt and shame? Does it take practice like everything else? Or will those feelings stick with me forever?
I guess there is only one way to find out, but god damn, the journey is painful.
I miss my brother. The brother I have, and the brother I never had.
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here.