What Do You Do When You've Lost Hope?
It has almost been a month since I last wrote on here. I have fallen back into my usual pattern of freeze mode. Go me. So for the next seven days, I am putting myself through a bit of a challenge. I am setting a timer for thirty minutes and writing whatever comes to mind. Even if that is just complete brain vomit, I'm writing it all out for thirty minutes and hitting that publish button. Welcome to the show!
The month of August was a doozy. I moved, drove 4 hours in CA traffic for my narcissistic mother's destination birthday, while trying to keep my brother's secret about him moving to the UK without telling my parents(which also prevented me from being able to say a proper goodbye), and then I ended the month off with back surgery.
The good news is that all of this is now behind me, but the bad news is that I am exhausted now that I am no longer surviving off pure adrenaline, and now I have more time to think about the state of the world and how hopeless I feel about everything.
Despite my best efforts, I haven't been myself since I got scammed by a business coach in 2023, and things got even more hopeless after the 2024 election. In a nutshell, my eyes were opened to how rigged the system was, and I could no longer keep believing that all you needed to get to where you wanted was hard work and determination.
Don't get me wrong, I worked extremely hard for years and it did pay off to an extent, but it still didn't get me to the financial stability I was hoping for, and it came at the cost of my health and mental health. Part of me wishes I could rewind or still be naive because at least I still had hope even when I was grinding myself into the ground...because it still felt purposeful and intentional. Now I just feel like I am flailing around, trying to find purpose again, or something that will help me get that drive and determination back.
There are days when I will get glimpses of it. Days when I remember my values and tell myself that as long as I am still following my values, that is what matters most...but the financial stress sure has a way of shaking you to your core. Rich people love to say that money can't buy happiness, but it sure can buy some anxiety relief and opportunities.
I know money isn't everything; I would still love to find purpose and drive again, even if it meant I still struggled financially. But dealing with financial stress and the loss of hope, passion, and purpose is my own personal hell. Can I trick myself into being naive again?
I know that a lot of this is burnout and grief talking. But I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I don't know how to move through this. Optimism has never been a strong point of mine, but I have always had a sense of hope. This is the first time I have completely lost hope.
I can't honestly say I was ever a Dolly Parton fan (although I think she was great and respect her a lot), but I did come across a quote of hers the other day that sparked the tiniest bit of hope in me. The quote was:
"Find out who you are, and do it on purpose"
That really resonated with me because the only thing that helps me feel a little hopeful, or like life is worth living, is when I remember my values and know that if I am living according to those, then things will at least feel purposeful...even if finances are shit.
Well, my thirty-minute timer is up, so that is all for today. If you have been struggling with freeze mode when it comes to writing, feel free to join me in the challenge!