When Alexithymia Takes Over
I am having one of those weeks where I am having a hard time putting feelings into words. I have come on here, started a blog, and then stopped without knowing what to write or how to continue.
Having been recently diagnosed with autism, I have learned that I struggle with something called alexithymia. Basically, it's difficulty identifying and describing your own emotions, sometimes even difficulty knowing what you're feeling at all. Some people experience it as feelings that feel vague or physical rather than nameable. Like you know something is off, but you can't put your finger on it. It is pretty frustrating, especially when I know there is a lot going on but I can't get it out in words. It is even more frustrating when I am in therapy and I am asked those dreaded words "how does that make you feel?"
Writing has been something I have used to help sort my emotions even before I realized that was what I was doing, I have been journaling since I was a kid, but since being in severe burnout, I am even finding I have to force myself to journal or be able to put what I am feeling into words. Sometimes all I can manage is bullet points to see if I can get things flowing.
I don't really know what the point of this is. All I know is that sometimes when I avoid trying to put feelings into words I stop writing all together and that is the last thing I want to do. Writing makes me happy, so I am going to try to push through it even if it is just brain vomit.
Brain vomit is why I created this blog in the first place. It is supposed to be a no-pressure blog that I use to express my thoughts. (or try to at least)
I don't know what the point of this blog is except to build some momentum and practice unmasking, even if it is just in word form. There is so much pressure to perform...both on the internet and off. Before the pressure of monetization and presenting people with a highlight reel of your life... the internet was the first place I was truly able to unmask. I am here to take that back and keep this a place where I just let it all out.
Fuck perfectionism, performance, and trying to monetize absolutely everything. This is where the mask comes off and stays off.
Cheers to practicing unmasking and not letting the social pressures ruin my love of writing.