When I Grow Up
To avoid going into freeze mode with writing, I created a challenge for myself this week. The challenge was to set a thirty-minute timer, write whatever came to mind, and stop writing when the timer went off, no matter what I had left on the page. That lasted a total of three days.
That being said, it has only been a couple of days since I last wrote, and it wasn't freeze mode that prevented me from writing; it was poor planning, because my executive function is absolute shit right now. It is so bad that I often skip lunch, not because I forget or am not hungry, but because I know that if I get up to make myself food, it will be nearly impossible for me to dive back into work afterward without procrastinating the shit out of it.
Autistic burnout is no joke. I feel like I am thinking through mud half the time, and my life just consists of forcing myself to do things I don't have the energy for. The shittiest part is that I don't know how to recover from it.
I've bought a book on autistic burnout; I follow a good number of autistic creators on Instagram now, but I feel like I have actually grown more frustrated since learning about all the things I can do to combat autistic burnout because my life doesn't really allow for much accommodation. Also, how the fuck are these burnt-out autistic creators creating so much content while they are burned out? I have been creating content non-stop for years as an online coach, and I just got to a point, like 5 months ago, where I was so burned out I couldn't even get myself to post anymore. In fact, the internet itself became so overstimulating; I am not even consuming as much content as I once was. (Which is also how I managed to find Bear Blog)
The internet is fucking exhausting. I wish I knew how they handled posting every day while apparently being in autistic burnout. I have to post on my stories at least once a day to keep my business running, so people know I am still alive and accepting coaching clients. I wish I knew how to recover from autistic burnout while running two businesses.
I feel like over the past year I have been on a journey of wondering whether I should just find a job with less responsibility so I can check out at the end of the day. Something that is boring and repetitive. Something where I can clock out at the end of the day vs. working for myself, where there is always something that needs to be done, or at least something I will worry about that needs to be done, that I will procrastinate on for as long as I fucking can because...I am who I am.
I am going to be 40 soon, and the whole "What do I want to be when I grow up?" era is OVER. Gone are the days where I tell myself "one day I will be this or do that." Now I am realizing life is what it is right now, and there is not a whole lot of dreaming about what I want to be when I grow up left in my lifetime and it is honestly probably one of the biggest things killing my drive and throwing me further into the depths of hopelessness.
I know I am not the only millennial feeling like they thought they would have their shit together by now, but more days than not, I find myself kicking myself for focusing on the wrong things while growing up.
Instead of focusing on getting good grades to get into a good college and a job that offers me stability, I decided to dream instead. I dreamed about being a pro basketball player until my growth spurt ended at the whopping height of 5'3" and my ball-handling skills were no longer enough to get me enough play time on the court. After my basketball dreams were crushed, I dreamed of being a professional skateboarder. It was my special interest for many years. I did make it to getting sponsored by my local skate shop, but in the end... I realized that was going to be the height of my career.
I tried to go to school to become a dietitian, but I realized I sucked at math, so I ended up getting my AA and then going to culinary school instead. Cooking was and still is one of my biggest special interests. I still dream about what I can do with food and what I might be able to do in the food world one day, but the problem is it comes with a lot of stress, responsibility and absolutely no financial security. Being in food doesn't pay for shit unless you are some Food Network chef..but considering I have the personality of a doorknob, that ain't going to happen either.
So my options currently are to try to find a way to make my current situation suck less, or try to find some other job that doesn't stress me the fuck out...which would be damn near impossible unless it was a remote job with decent flexibility...but all those types of jobs are either scams or require experience or some sort of degree.
Sometimes I wonder what little me would think of me now. Would I want to be myself when I grew up?
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here.