Why Am I Always So Anxious?
I'm anxious pretty much all the time. The sense of urgency never turns off. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember...and it gets worse in the afternoon.
Is it a trauma response? Is it because my mom's mood would shift when I was younger? The closer it got to the time my dad would come home...the more my mom's mood would get worse.
It wasn't because my dad was an abusive asshole. The opposite, actually. She was the abusive asshole...but her mood would change because that meant it was time for her to start making dinner, and there is nothing she loathed more than making dinner for her ungrateful kids and husband.
I keep trying to think of ways to stay afloat financially, or to find hope, but I keep coming up empty-handed. Or, maybe it is overwhelm?
But what is overwhelm, and what is fear?
Fear of...
Rejection
Not being good enough.
Not living an impactful life.
Before I can think about impact, I need to learn how to even stay consistent with a god damn blog. What do I have to lose?
I get so afraid of writing. Why? I think I am afraid it is the only thing I have left that someone hasn't said I sucked at, and I'm afraid if I do it more, then it will suck and I will have nothing left.
Then again, I am aware some of my writing sucks, and even some of the best writers have written some shit...because that is how you get to the good stuff.
I gotta stop with the perfection shit.
I'm aware this post is a complete pile of dog shit that could be read as a mental health crisis, but don't tell me to dial 988 or etc. I'm fine, I am just practicing imperfection.
Cheers to a fantastically imperfect fucking Monday!
If this resonated with you, or you just want to connect, leave me a comment here.